Big Macs instead of Poison
by Fanatic97
Summary: A Parody featuring , Big Macs, Twilight Bashing, and...Baysplosions!


**Romeo and Juliet: Alternate Ending **

**Written By Fanatic97 **

**I own nothing..ABSOULTLY NOTHING USED IN THIS FANFICTION! **

**And I am glad that I do not own this stuff **

**I also have NOTHING against Shakespeare or his plays..but Romeo and Juliet just had to be mocked by the way Romeo acts. **

**TIME 4 BACKSTORY! **

**SO there is this guy named Romeo and this Girl named Juliet who fall in love in this place called Verona, icouldcareless, but they cannot freely express their love because of their families feuding. So, They marry secretly and then Romeo goes home to tell his folks but his friend Mercutio fights a guy named Tybalt and dies so then Romeo fights Tybalt and he dies then Romeo is banished and Juliet finds out that she must marry another man and then she pretends to die so but some guy goes and tells about it so he goes to buy some poison, and this is where our story begins... You know what, this may sound bad but..it's better than Twilight. **

Romeo, ran around looking like a moron. He was looking for a man he had heard about, who could sell him the poison. He was widely known for being a good Pharmacist, but a poor man, but Romeo knew how to persuade him, after all he had 1000 dollars on him and he would pay him full to get the poison so he could kill himself and be with his beloved Juliet forever. As he ran towards the stand, he saw the Pharmacist…being arrested. He stopped running and stared in shock, as the Policemen read him his rights

"You are under arrest for Possession of Illegal drugs, and us just not likening you."

"What does that have anything about me having poison?" He asked

"Nothing, we just don't like you, Problem? The Policeman said, putting on a troll face.

Then they carried the pharmacist away, knocking Romeo into a pile of manure.

"Ugh, I hate this stuff." Romeo moaned. Biff Tannen popped out of the stuff next to him.

"tell me about it."

"okay I will, you see Manure is smelly and made out of the poop of animals it helps fertilize crops but it smells like a pile of **** and that is quite apt for you see," Romeo had not noticed that Biff had fled from him and had set a world speed record in the Process while doing so.

"And then the manure is spread all over the crops and," At that moment the Manure carts owner had arrived to find this guy sitting in his manure rambling about the stuff. "NOT AGAIN!" He cried out. "First it was that yellow sponge guy with the fat pink idiot and now some creeper fellow. He then picked Romeo up and threw him into a fountain. This causing Romeo to ramble again as he flew through the air.

"You know, I also hate this kind of slapstick humor that only a bored Teenager wishing to make fun of one of,"

_**SPLASH! **_

Praise the lord he finally shut up

Romeo gathered his ball bearing collection that he had been carrying with him in his pocket for no reason.

"Darn it, I cannot kill myself with Poison, I need to kill myself, hmmm maybe I can use my dagger, no, I will let someone else use it, and I do not want it to be dirty."

Romeo sighed as he walked along, as he walked he made many people pass out due to the awful smell and thus there were many accidents, one even included a nuclear bomb.

Romeo thought to himself as Radiation swept over him, even it was trying to get away from the smell.

"I must find a way to kill myself with a very strong poison but how?" Then it hit him, or he hit it.

He looked up to see he had run into a McDonalds Sign. The Sign read: **Big Macs 5 Dollars each**

Romeo gasped. "THTS IT!" And then he looked into his pocket "AND MY MONEY IS STILL INTACT!" Romeo cheered happily as he ran inside and promptly made several other patrons pass out.

He ran up to the counter and crashed his hands onto the counter. "HE handed the cashier the money. "As many Big Macs as this much money can buy." He said. The Cashier stared at him "Sir, 1. You smell like ****, 2. That's 200 Big Macs, you only need thirty to kill yourself." "Do you want the money or not? "Yes."

**20 Minutes later. **

The Cashier, Three Cooks, and the Manager, walked up to the counter, holding a giant bag. "200 Big Macs as asked." The cashier gasped. "Thank you." Said Romeo. The Manager looked at him. "So why do you want all these Big Macs?" "Oh, I am going to go to my dead wife's tomb and then I shall make love to her, and then I shall eat as many as I can until I get a heart attack and then I shall die." "But, why do you need these many Big Macs, you only need 30 or so to kill yourself." "Oh well I am preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse and then I shall," "Okay that is all I need to know!" "You Sure, cause eI can tell you about my plans for life before my Beloved Juliet died for Hours and Hours and Hours, and Hours," "GET OUT!" The Manager bellowed. SO Romeo slung the Bag over his Shoulder and then walked out.

Romeo sniffed the bag and sighed. "Oh the sweet smell of Grease that shall be my poison." "Now to find my horse." Romeo then ran over to his horse and then leapt on. "HEY GET OFF!" Only to find that it was not a horse.

It was a wolf. That spoke, and sounded like Taylor Lautner. "Who are you, you are not my horse?" Romeo asked. "I am Jacob Black and I am on my way to save my girlfriend from a vampire named Edward." "NOW GET OFF ME!" "Can you carry this weight and run at a fast speed?" "Yes." "THEN NEVER!"

Jacob, Tired to buck him off. "GET OFF I WILL NOT DO IT!" Then Romeo did the Worst thing Imaginable. He began talking about his life

"My life began the day I was Born, It was on a Friday the Thirteenth, under Thirteen Ladders, and in a room Full of Black Cats, and the Doctors and nurses were drunk and they were dancing around spilli9ng salt and opening and closing Umbrellas indoors and using them to smash mirrors and," "If I take you were you want to go will you Shut up?" "But of Course." "Then we will go."

Then Jacob ran off into the Distant, as Balthazar watched him. "I must go after him hence wait did he just spend all of his Money on Big Macs?" He thought to himself. "Then that means that I will not be getting paid…..oh well, he can do whatever he wants I do not care." Balthazar said and then went to get Drunk on everything in the nearest bar until he went into a coma.

After many hours of Riding and talking whenever Jacob tired tog et a rest, they finally reached Capulet's Mausoleum. ", we are here happy?" Jacob asked "yes and now go jump off that cliff." "Why?" "Because I hate you." "But there is no reason, for me to do that other than you hate the Twilight series. "When I was two," Jacob ran off the cliff, yelling out "BANZI!" Where he fell into a bunch of sliver and died.

"Now then," said Romeo, ",I shall now go inside and rekindle with my love's dead body and then eat Big Macs and then I shall die by her side, and hopefully she will fall onto my body after I fall." Romeo said

Then Paris Appeared. "YOU SICK PERVERT!" He shouted. "SHE WAS TO BE MY WIFE NOT YOURS" He then drew his sword. "I SHALT KILL THEE THE SAME WAY THOU SLAIN TYBALT!" Paris then felt like he had been hit by a giant bag of grease he fell to the ground Unconscious. Romeo Smirked. "well, what do you know, Big Macs ALSO can be used as weapon. He turned and looked at the Vault door. "hmmmm he said to himself.

SMASH!

The door flew open as the sack of Big Macs flew through it and went flying down the stairs and landed in the Mausoleum. The Thud, caused EVERYHTING to leap into the air.

Romeo ran down the stairs, after tripping several flights because of the bag now leaking grease everywhere. "OOF, OUCH, EEYOW!" He cried as he thudded down the stairs. Romeo stood up, and tired to Recover his Ball bearings again . Unfortunately they were all lost. He sighed, as he walked towards Juliet's Corpse. HE felt tears come into his eyes as he grabbed her hand.

"Oh they sweet lady, why must you die." "We had so much to live for, we could have lived many a years." "oh sweet Juliet was it I that drove you into this Tomb?" "If it was, then I CURSE myself to being the river of you to this EVIL DISGUSIITNG VILE PLACE! I SHALLFOREVER BE CURSED MAY I ROT IN AOPIT FOR DRVING YOU TO LIE HERE DEAD!" "FROM HERE ON OUT MAY PEOPLE SPIT AND CURSE AT THE MENTION OF THE NAME Romeo."

I Know how he feels I feel like Barfing from Narrating this crap.

Anyway, back to the story

Romeo held Juliet's hand. "May I plant thee a last kiss on thine rosy cheeks, which I should wonder why thou cheeks are rosy when thou art dead." "Oh well."

He then started to make out with Juliet's dead (AS FAR AS HE KNOWS) Body..and Romeo suddenly got VERY Creepy, the creepiness scale is shooting through the roof,

Romeo let go of her and then walked over to his bag of Big Macs. "And now dear Juliet, I shall eat to thee." Then he began to eat

**79 Big Macs Later**

Romeo felt his heart weakening he looked at Juliet. "I now Die my love, and this to you, I take my last breath." He then fell over. And then he died

**WHUMP! **

EVERYHTING in the Mausoleum went flying up into the air. And then when the Big Mac bag came down again it caused another,

**WHUMP! **

The Second WHUMP! Awoke Juliet from her sleep, right as Fair Lawrence came down. "HOLY SANIT FRANCIS that was a big one!" He then laid his eyes upon Romeos Corpse.

"HOLY SANIT FRANCIS! ROMEO, my dear poor boy, what hath thou done?"

HE then saw the Bag and looked in. "HOLY SIANT FRANCIS! That's a lot of Big Macs." Juliet awoke and looked around then, she saw the Friar. "Friar?" She asked. "What hath thou done, where is my lord, where is Romeo?"

"HOLY SIANT FRANCIS! Juliet thou art awake, and why are we using Shakespearian dialect no?"

Because…I FEEL LIKE IT!...and I want you to suffer!

"HOLY SIANT FRANCIS! You are a cruel boy!'

Actually I was doing it so you would keep saying that line."

"HOLY SIANMT FRANCIS!"

That never gets old.

Back to the story, because I am running out of paper.

"Come Juliet we must flee, I shall take you to live with the Nuns and then you shall be happy, oh and do be careful and try not to rip over Romeo's corpse." "CORPSE!" "oh yes he is dead."

**SLAP! **

"Holy Saint Francis, she hits hard." Friar Lawrence said as he passed out.

Juliet kneeled down next to Romeo. "OH ROMEO WHY, WHY THOUT YOU DO THIS, DID MY FKEING DEATH DRIVE YOU TO THIS!?" "Oh wait it did." "OH ROMEO, WHY DIDN'T I RUN AWAY WITH YOU! "Oh right, because I am a moron." "OH ROMEO!" Then she saw, the Sack. "this must be what my lover slain himself with." She looked him.

"Big Macs, 121, this should be enough." She then began to eat.

**119 Big Macs later **

"HURK!" Said Juliet as she fell over and died.

**WHUMP! **

When Juliet, causing everything to fly up.

**WHUMP!**

Went Romeo doing the same thing.

**Pffft**

Went the sac as there were only 2 Big Macs left.

Of course, THIS woke everyone in their families, and the entire city up. After all a flying Mausoleum is not something you see every day. As the Fmailies and the prince went in outside Paris began to wake up.

:Oh my what happened to me?" Then, a man with blond hair come running up. "Here hold this," He said, handing him a black ball. "Okay?" Asked Paris as the man ran off. Then Paris looked down and saw that he was standing on a 200 Ft tall, 800 Pound pile of TNT. "WHAT THE!?" He cired out as across the city, Michal Bay pressed the Detonator. "Baysplosion!" He yelled out.

The blast blew apart EVERYHTING in a mile Radius. SO no one had a reason to mourn for Romeo and Juliet because they were where they were now…either North or South."

Not even poor Balthazar didn't have a happy ending, why, because he went on a drunken rampage and destroyed everything in his path, by using a broom, a tiny twig, a shoe, and his face. He was sentenced to 30 years in prison, and when he got out, he did the EXACT SAME THING, this time, he was sentenced to life.

**THE END! **

**Okay Okay I know that this thing sounds insulting…and ye sit is but I JUST HATED Romeo and Juliet's Characters and the way they acted they all rush things and act like Morons .**

**SO yeah I hope you enjoy wait…this isn't a Transformers Fanfic or Calvin and Hobbes…ITS TH END OF THE WORLD THE MYANS WERE JUST OFF A LITTLE BIT! **

**Oh well, now if you excuse me I must prepare myself for the angry twilight Fan girls. FAREWELL And remember **

**PLASE COMMENT ON THIS!**

**And remember no flames, or I shall sue them to light your underpants on fire **


End file.
